The Sheep Who Can

It was supposed to be the holidays due to the Chinese Lunar New Year, but I was sick for the past two days. I was not sure what it was, but I couldn’t hold my food down and I was unable to sleep well and my head felt strangely heavy. As I got better, I tried to take stock of the chores I had missed; but all I got was more requests from my own family to help with their chores. No, “how are you feeling?”; or “are you well enough to help us out?”. More like, “Lucky you’re up or I have to pay someone to……….”. I stared at them with incredulity, but I didn’t say anything.

I ignored them, to scan my room, and I noticed the tear in my bag pack. It had white splotches all over it. It must have been the recent heavy rains that increased its wear and tear. I proceeded to wash up and change to find a replacement for it. At first I was just too tired to speak, but I decided to avoid saying anything to simmer down the anger that was welling up inside of me.

Unfortunately, the stores in my area did not sell the kind of bag I had in mind or within my budget. And I decided to continue my search for it the next day at a Budget Store about two hours away from my home by bus. As I reached home, my brother was there. My mom asked if I had found what I needed and I told her I will be heading to the said store the next day.

Then my brother interjected he would not have time to drive me there. I was taken aback……as I did not said anything else or even ask for his help. He proceeded to say it would be easier for me to reach there on my own in a joking manner……and my own mother laughed at the joke!

It was only few days ago this same brother asked me to come over to his home after work to take a look at his poor TV reception, which I did and successfully fixed; without asking for anything in return.

He must have felt I was not too pleased with his comment as I stared at him coldly and silently and as I proceeded quietly to my room. I think that was the first time I did not show my respect to my elder brother by not giving him the proper Malay greeting one accords to an elder.

I guess, it has finally dawned on me. I will never-ever get the kind of support I need from my own family. It is not because they failed to understand what I wish to do but that I am of no importance to them. They will only offer limited help to me, just so they can press some emotional blackmail on me to help solve their problems or issues.

I have come to realise, they need me more than I need them. I now remember I was never the black sheep of the family. It was just another mind game my family plays to keep me in line. Heck, I remembered when I was young, I told my mother I wanted to be a doctor and she said I am only good enough to be a doctor of shit. That’s right…….shit…..the waste that our body ejects out. It was probably why I acted like an a-hole to them in the past; as they had claimed. However, I don’t see the point to dredge up the past.

It’s my life..…not theirs……to live!