A New Turn in My New Path

Had an interesting few weeks, I left my 2 other jobs thinking I would start full time in the PR firm.

As I had assumed some of my new duties could be design work and not wanting to continuously prove myself since I had no design diploma, I diverted my savings – which I had intended to learn freehand sketching to draw comics – to take a design course.

Unfortunately, probably due to my age and educational background, I was not accepted by most of the ‘design’ schools. It can be quite disheartening as it reminded me of my long search for a stable job only a few months ago.

Finally, I managed to narrow it down to this one school where the modules offered in the second year attracted me to it. I was not interested in the modules offered in the first year such as learning how to use Photoshop or Illustrator as I believed it was something I already had some experience and knowledge in. However, the people at the school did not think so. And I ended up having to take all the modules.

After resolving some miscommunications with the school, I am now taking a Diploma in Communication & Design in the first year followed by a Specialist Diploma in Advertising & Design (which had the modules I wanted to learn the most) in the second year. All in all, it was going to cost me close to SGD20,000. The freehand course I intended to take would only cost me SGD1,200.

I guess, my plan to start an online publishing firm by the end of this year, would have to take a backseat again.

I am not sure why, but it could be I am starting to believe those naysayers that claimed I need a good school diploma to get a job. But, no matter, as I plan to be in the PR firm in the long term; and the knowledge gained from the modules in the second year, such as Marketing, Advertising, Copywriting, Branding and so on, will hold me in good stead in my long term plans.

It was not easy to choose this new path, seeing that I had no mentor or someone I could turn to, to provide me the insight or foresight I needed the most.

I am now in my third week of my course. However, due to the unforeseen departure of key personnel in my firm, my position as a full-time staff is still unconfirmed. There is none to blame but myself. An opportunity to work with them full-time was offered much earlier but due to my stubbornness to stick to my integrity (since I was working in two other jobs), I did not accept the offer from the PR firm earlier.

I have not told my mother, brothers and sisters yet as I know they are going to go ballistic over this and create unwarranted drama for me.

And I think I have used up the allotted brain cells for the month as much of it was used to forge my new path. So, I am not sure what to do at the moment.

But I do know, I need to shore up my finances to tide things over until I received confirmation on my status in the PR firm. I thought I could start over by collecting the used aluminum drink cans to sell to a recycler again but I do not know how to do it without my family finding out.

Well, April is almost here….maybe the new month will allot me new brain cells to think of a new plan.

 

The Tempura that started a chain of events

We had a birthday lunch for my boss a couple of days before the Lunar New Year. The restaurant did not offer much in terms of healthy choice. So, I ordered what I thought would be suitable for me. I forgot what it was called but it was a mix of sliced vegetables fried with tempura batter, with a bowl of rice soaked in what I believed was sweet soy sauce.

Well, I got sick that night. I had a bad migraine and could not sleep at all. The TV had nothing good on, so I thought I should use the time productively. That was when I realized my office did not make or sent any Lunar New Year cards to its clientele.

I don’t think it was something special and I think almost anyone with a simple basic knowledge of photoshop can do it too (I used GIMP by the way). I took a print screen of a desktop wallpaper, cropped it and inserted outlines of rabbits in the lanterns (it was the year of the rabbit).  Then, I added the required text. And so, I sent the finished work to my boss to do whatever the office want to do it with it. All this with a bad headache, mind you.

That morning at work, my boss seemed ecstatic about the eCard I made and sent it to all the company staff worldwide. Then we received a request to make one for the Asia Pacific region. I did not have the required software in my office laptop but not wanting to disappoint my boss I used a simple cut and paste to just change the text.

Later, we had a talk. To put it simply, my job may be short-lived due to possibly some job-redesign, and she sees that my capabilities to do design work can add value to myself and provide a reason for the organisation to employ me full time. I told her I am open to it, even though I never thought of returning to design work due to my previous bad job experience. If I agree to it she would suggest to the higher ups to open a job role for a designer. Just so happen the head for marketing was coming over for a visit and my boss believe it was a chance for me to do some design work for marketing and prove myself.

And so, I will be leaving my two other part-time jobs to work, what I hope will be full-time, with the PR firm.

There will be a lot of issues I need to work out.

My memory lost has caused me to forget what design work fully entails;

I was actually okay working three jobs with the long hours as it would mean I get to stay away from home and a reason to stay away from my demanding family – I made a mistake of informing my family that I would be leaving my two other jobs and tomorrow my brother wants me to fix his internet connection and another one asked to help recover his password;

But, the biggest issue of all is, if I deserve the trust my boss have in me as I have recently found that I can get absent-minded lately.

 

The Sheep Who Can

It was supposed to be the holidays due to the Chinese Lunar New Year, but I was sick for the past two days. I was not sure what it was, but I couldn’t hold my food down and I was unable to sleep well and my head felt strangely heavy. As I got better, I tried to take stock of the chores I had missed; but all I got was more requests from my own family to help with their chores. No, “how are you feeling?”; or “are you well enough to help us out?”. More like, “Lucky you’re up or I have to pay someone to……….”. I stared at them with incredulity, but I didn’t say anything.

I ignored them, to scan my room, and I noticed the tear in my bag pack. It had white splotches all over it. It must have been the recent heavy rains that increased its wear and tear. I proceeded to wash up and change to find a replacement for it. At first I was just too tired to speak, but I decided to avoid saying anything to simmer down the anger that was welling up inside of me.

Unfortunately, the stores in my area did not sell the kind of bag I had in mind or within my budget. And I decided to continue my search for it the next day at a Budget Store about two hours away from my home by bus. As I reached home, my brother was there. My mom asked if I had found what I needed and I told her I will be heading to the said store the next day.

Then my brother interjected he would not have time to drive me there. I was taken aback……as I did not said anything else or even ask for his help. He proceeded to say it would be easier for me to reach there on my own in a joking manner……and my own mother laughed at the joke!

It was only few days ago this same brother asked me to come over to his home after work to take a look at his poor TV reception, which I did and successfully fixed; without asking for anything in return.

He must have felt I was not too pleased with his comment as I stared at him coldly and silently and as I proceeded quietly to my room. I think that was the first time I did not show my respect to my elder brother by not giving him the proper Malay greeting one accords to an elder.

I guess, it has finally dawned on me. I will never-ever get the kind of support I need from my own family. It is not because they failed to understand what I wish to do but that I am of no importance to them. They will only offer limited help to me, just so they can press some emotional blackmail on me to help solve their problems or issues.

I have come to realise, they need me more than I need them. I now remember I was never the black sheep of the family. It was just another mind game my family plays to keep me in line. Heck, I remembered when I was young, I told my mother I wanted to be a doctor and she said I am only good enough to be a doctor of shit. That’s right…….shit…..the waste that our body ejects out. It was probably why I acted like an a-hole to them in the past; as they had claimed. However, I don’t see the point to dredge up the past.

It’s my life..…not theirs……to live!

 

A Rocky Path Ahead?

Looks like my path ahead is going to be less smooth. My night job as a Dishwasher is going to end soon. Probably, by the end of this month. Money is going to be tight again, but after more than a year of being unemployed, it has taught me to be very frugal.

At least I have a few more days to plan ahead. I am not sure if I should get another night job or just be happy with the ones I can hold on to. But I do know that I have to at least recover my costs spent on my new laptop, so that I can take my drawing courses.

People kept saying that I don’t need such courses if I have the talent to draw; it’s basically a courteous way of saying that I don’t have the talent at all and to forget my dream. But, that is not the point. They just don’t understand that what I seek is to live a life free from games most people play in the office environment. In other words, office-politics. I want to build my own world where people can treat each other with respect and dignity regardless of beliefs, the colour of our skin and which level of society we are born into. And if I am unable to find enlightened organisations that runs on the same principle, I guess I have to start one of my own.

Sure, it may sound naive and delusional, but at least it has kept my sanity from the bigotry that I faced regularly. And I don’t even want to start what our own political leaders have recently mentioned about my religious faith. The sad part is, there are countless others who agreed with what our Minister Mentor said; and I kind of feel betrayed. My loyalty to my country is questioned again just because of my beliefs?

But, then again, I am not the problem. They are. It just makes my life harder but I am not angry at them. In fact, I pity them. They claim to be intellects but they have proven they are mere intellectual pygmies who are stuck in the past, vigorously trying to protect their legacy built on discriminatory and biased practices.

I definitely am not looking forward to meeting such people again when I start looking for new work to supplement my income.

Looking for the Signs

I was ecstatic when I finally realized I managed to scrimp enough to pay at least a quarter of my drawing course. I gleefully calculated I would probably need two to three months to save enough to pay for the whole course.

Unfortunately, I guess I counted my chickens before they hatch, too soon.

My PC broke. The power supply unit started to emit smoke and burned my Motherboard. Thankfully it did not affect my Harddrive.

It was embarrassing at first, since I was from the IT industry and did not anticipate my five year old PC is going to go kah-blooie. But the embarrassment turned to frustration and then anger as it would mean I would have to spend the limited free time I had and my hard-earned savings to fix it.

I was hoping I would have enough savings to buy the coming Motorola  ‘Xoom’. It’s kind of an iPad. But its launch is going to be in the middle of this year. And I could use it to test my publishing development

As I contemplated my next move, I then decided to purchase a laptop. It was meant to be a stop-gap measure, so I was looking for something affordable but yet meet my minimal needs. As I pored over the adverts and any flyers I could get my hands on, I finally chanced on a ‘Sale’ at the local Electronic store near where I worked as the Dishwasher. So I bought the Samsung  NP-440L for under SGD900 and got a free RAM upgrade thrown in to boot. It came with Microsoft’s Office Started Pack (basically Words and Excel with an annoying advertisement) and a fifteen month Anti-Virus subscription.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I use Hal’s iconic ‘eye’ from Space Odyssey as my wallpaper, as an ode to Arthur C. Clarke, and how we have allowed technology to rule our lives sometimes.

The next few sleepless nights were spent, installing the softwares that I needed. Some frivolous, like iTunes; others important, like GIMP, Inkscape and Openoffice.

 

 

 

 

 

After that was done, I spent a couple of more dollars to get a SATA to USB converter, hoping I could retrieve the data from my PC harddrive.

I held my breath as I saw the lights blinked. Then my eyes widen as the Laptop was able to detect the drive. And I sighed a huge relief as the system was able to read and transfer the data over.

The final step was to retrieve and setup my email. As Windows 7 don’t come with email, I proceeded to use Mozilla’s Thunderbird.

It was only last night that I managed to get the laptop running the way I wanted to with the applications and softwares I needed.

As I finally lay in my bed with a huge relief, I come to realise it was probably a blessing in disguise.

I have been using my PC to write, communicate, design, and develop softwares/websites and so on.

Far too long I have been delaying or work too slowly on developing my online website for fear it would corrupt my PC. But now that it broke and I have a laptop, I can fix the PC up and focus on using it purely for developing my online publishing website. I think for the first time in many months, I slept soundly with a smile on my face.

But today………..

My Printer broke!!!!

Aaarrrrggggh!!!!

 

The Courage to Change

As the year comes to a close, most of us would take this opportunity to reflect on what we have or have not done these past months, and to plan for the coming year to make it better than the previous years.

I truly wished I could do the same too, but time and time again, my attempts to make my own life better have been thwarted by people who made decisions for me without my input. Often, I felt frustrated and I could never understand why; as the results of their decisions only seemed to make my journey of change harder and longer. I can understand from the viewpoint of the governmental drones that were not able to help me out forthright due to perceived repercussions from their superiors, but the failed support from my own family kind of startled me.

This morning, as I went off to pay my bills for the month, I decided to take the bus instead of taking the time to walk to the nearest post office to pay my bills. As I sat there at the bus shelter, I felt something crawling down my arm and when I turned my arm around to search for it, I saw a black spider with bright yellow stripes.

As the tiny spider reached the tip of my fingers I raised my hand and stared at it intently as it started to fearlessly jumped from one tip to another. It could be poisonous, but I felt it won’t bite me if I don’t interrupt its business.

But no, this post is not about the spider………

It was the people at the bus stop fearful reaction to it, that made me realised why the people in my life made those decisions in the first place. It was fear…..fear of the unknown.

I am starting to understand what my family fears the most. They almost lost me when I had my brain hemorrhage. All these years I had been their pillar of stability and support when their own lives were full of ups and downs. When I had recovered, they thought I would continue to be their pillar of strength, but they didn’t expect the hemorrhage had robbed me of my memory. I am the same but yet different.

The sudden decision to turn my life around must have caught them by surprise and they were unprepared for it; and raised questions of their own whether they would lose me again but this time, completely. How can anyone ever be prepared for such a thing?

But the status quo can never remain unchanged. And they have to build up their own courage to face the outcome of my own change.

However, I will be there for them when the time comes for them to build up their courage………. to let me go………and for them to finally gain some measure of closure.

The Return of Superman

I never volunteered or agreed to be my family’s problem solver. I don’t remember nor did my own family remember when this role was thrust upon me. After my last post, I decided to disassociate myself from that role. But a few nights after I made that decision…..one of my elder brothers (the one who was driving me home from work) confided in me regarding the future of his son. What was I suppose to do? Say, no to someone who was lying bare his most inner thoughts and feelings?

As I sat there and listened and contemplated on what he should do for his son, I came to realise they come to me for solutions, not because I am wiser than them. They came to me because I am more knowledgeable because I am the most resourceful. That realisation was reinforced when my sister gave my mom a thermal flask with a missing part to replace our faulty one. She gave that flask (or that faulty CD/radio player earlier on) not out of spite, but out of safe reasoning that I would be able to get it fixed.

So, I guess I cannot deny and have no other choice but to accept my role as their ‘Superman’. After-all my name does start with an ‘S’.

Today, my mom reminded me that my sis was able to give us her flask with the missing part because she had bought a new one at a certain place. We would be able to find the missing part in that area. I told my mom, my sis should buy it for us (since it was closer to her home) but my mom’s answer kind of frustrated me. She replied that since my sis had a new grandchild, they would have no time to do it as they have to use their time to take care of the newborn.

I was flabbergasted! They had time to buy a new flask for themselves but no time to buy the missing part for us?

So, I asked my mom for the exact address, but she replied that my sis just told her to search for it at any shops that happened to sell ‘plastic’ stuff. It was simple logic, if not for the fact that I knew it was a 2-storey building with close to 50 shops. Do they expect us to search every shop that happened to sell ‘plastic’? (And I found that part in a hardware store of all places)

As I returned home, I commented to my mom that we have a very strange family. Everyone expects me to find solutions for them diligently but yet when I need a solution of my own, they seemed ambivalent to it.

It was probably why I have been so resourceful in the first place as I never did received the kind of support I thought I would get from my own family.

But what angered me the most was my mom’s own reply. She said I should be grateful to them as they gave her money when she wants it. That statement blew me away. Words can’t describe the seething anger I felt at that time. Was that how my mom perceives love in a family? By the amount of cash we put in her hand?!!!

However, I don’t think I can blame her. She raised her kids by doing other peoples’ washing. And the income derived from that, was what put food on our table and a roof over our heads. The more people she worked for, the more income she gets and the better food we get to eat. It was a mother’s true sacrifice and love.

I guess she is projecting her ‘old’ life into her children. Come to think of it, it’s kind of sad really. To equate the level of love to the amount of cash we can give to her. So, all that time going the distance to search her favourite food, or getting myself into debt so we have a place to stay or the countless other personal sacrifices I had made for her, may mean nothing to her. Unless, I can put some cold hard cash in her hands for her to spend.

I am not sure if I had felt this way before as I am unable to recollect my memory of my ‘old’ life and I think I would never will. But, all I know for sure now, is that…I feel…..alone. Isn’t that how most comic superheroes end up?

Between filial duty and taken for granted

Sometimes I wonder if people ever thought about the other person before they make decisions that can impact the lives of that person.

I am attempting to change my life and I happened to work long hours because it was the only opportunity that I had at the time. But yet the people around me refuse to allow me to change and still want me to live in the past. They still think I have the time and money for them like it was used to be.

Every waking moment I savour is spent solving their problems. Every dollar I saved is spent on frivolous things; without my consent and consultation. I am starting to question my place in this world and the reasons for my being. Why, am I not allowed to control my own life? Especially from my own family?

It all started when I wanted to save commute time so that I have the extra time for rest. I got my brother who is a taxi driver to drive me home for a small fee. Next thing I knew, my mother decided to give $150 per month of my hard-earned money to his children, reason being that the fee I gave was too small. I explained to her that I needed the money to take my drawing course, but her reply not only dumb-struck me but was also hurtful.

She said, I am too old and my time is gone. It is best to invest the money in the young ones. I haven’t even gotten over that statement yet when she decided she needed a radio with a CD player. No one else in the family offered to buy it. One even had the audacity to give her a broken one, thinking that I would fix it. But what I was supposed to do? Say, No? To the woman who almost single-handedly raised seven children on her own?

And, I am woken up from my slumber just because someone didn’t know how to connect the video cable or his/her car is making strange noises. And if I say no, I find myself accused of being disrespectful to my elders or have forgotten their contributions to me.

And so, I bought her that radio with the CD player. And I am going to buy her that new-fangled thermal flask she always wanted. And I have upgraded my Internet subscription just so my brother’s children can use it for their ‘studies’ (Noticed I added the inverted commas?).

I guess it is the same everywhere. People refuse to learn or are happy to remain ignorant, as long as they know someone will be there to take care of their problems.

My mom, brothers and sisters are good people. But they are ordinary people and like any other ordinary people, they forget.

They forget that I am no longer the person I used to be. No longer, the ‘Superman’ that swoops down and saves their day when they needed help or are in trouble.

Or maybe, I am the one who has forgotten to be their ‘Superman’.

 

A new project

Well, I felt I couldn’t wait any longer. So I made this flyer with the intent of pulling more diners to the restaurant. I felt their own flyer was too niche which could mean smaller numbers of diners.

Basically, I drew a map, so people would know where it is and how to get there. Then for the other side, the restaurant name/logo, address, contact and tag line. I felt it should be simple so as not to overwhelm or turn-off potential diners with too much info.

I purposely left a portion of the flyer bank so that they can add whatever promotions or events they would have in mind in the future.

I made the logo red and made it looked like it was stamped onto the flyer. It should have a psychological effect on the reader into thinking that the restaurant is the dominant eating place. I created the tag ‘Food you can feel good with’ in line with the social-conscious efforts of the restaurant.

And I felt, this alone, would be sufficient enough to pull people in. All they need is to hand these out at the busiest part of Singapore which is our financial district, which happens to be only 20 mins away by taxi.

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What do you guys think?

My Fortunate Joblessness

It has been a week for me now, working at the 3 jobs. I am not going to gripe about my lack of rest or sleep. In fact, I am grateful to be given the opportunity to work. But what I am concerned the most is my mental strength at my work place.

These few days at work has made me realised my positive strengths can be my own weaknesses. It is probably due to my IT background and my own personality. I am a very technical person and I understand concepts when I see it visually; but when it is explained to me verbally, my mind was unable to grasp or develop a complete picture what my superiors wanted from me. I have always pride in myself in providing due diligence in my work, but it comes at a cost whereby I take my time to check and double check my work for fear of making mistakes. And this can have a ripple affect, where it could affect my other work or my own colleagues’ work.

It did not help that I am now taking the train to work, instead of taking the bus to try to save commute time. The glum and moody faces I see on the train everyday tend to be very depressing. The commuters try to create their own bubble – living in their own world – by reading, listening to music and sleeping (or for most, pretending to be sleeping), avoiding any interaction whatsoever. I know, I should not be affected by it, but it is very hard for me as I have been unemployed far too long and am struggling at the moment to readjust to a working life of fixed times, pay and deadlines.

When I was on my own, I dictated my own time and terms. The monies I earned were barely enough to survive on, but I was happier and I have learnt more about myself and the human condition than I ever would.

In my mind, it has been a most fortunate journey for me. Yes, I have been jobless for 15 months. And yes, the 3 jobs I took may not be ideal for most people. But it was the lessons learnt along the way that made me feel I am now a better person than I ever was.

When I first started on this journey, the many doors of opportunity slammed shut on my face by blind and ignorant people, made me feel indignant and I had wild bouts of extreme emotions from anger to depression. At that time, I couldn’t comprehend why people treated me as such and why some of them want to make me feel the situation I was in was my own doing. And then there are those who treated me no better than an animal.

However, I was blessed to meet enlightened people like Helen Lim from SilverSpring and Gilbert Goh from Transitioning.Org, and even Amane Chu and Jerry Hinds from ACAS early in my journey. They made the paths in my journey a lot less gloomy and less strenuous.

I learnt to change my mindset and now tend to look at the positive side of things. I have learnt its how I react to the happenings around me that would have the most adverse affect on me and the people close to me; so I should just move on and not let negativity bother me. I have learnt to observe human behaviour and embrace their positives while learning from their negatives. I learnt that I am not adverse to do the most of menial of tasks. Basically, I have learnt, it is about survival and we have to do what it takes (short of breaking the law or abandoning our beliefs) in order to survive.

The paths I took initially were to understand and overcome the challenges that I had face. But now that I am working, it dawned on me I need to learn how to reintegrate myself into a ‘normal’ working life. I feel I am struggling a little and all I can do for now is to do the best work I can and if that is not enough for my superiors, so be it.

As, the best lesson I have learnt is…..I am a survivor. And I will survive. And you will too.

Because?

We can!!